By Staff Writer – Herald Comical
WINCHESTER, TN — In a bold demonstration of charity, compassion, and complete geographical confusion, New Vision Baptist Church has announced its first-ever mission trip to Decherd, located roughly three minutes from the church parking lot.
Church leaders say the outreach effort is designed to “bring hope, healing, and basic Winchester values” to their neighbors to the east, who many congregation members believe are “living in conditions we can’t even imagine.”
Mission Trip Inspired by Deep Concern
“We just feel so blessed here in Winchester,” said Missions Director Cheryl Ann Faulkner. “Not everyone gets to grow up with the stability, prosperity, and spiritual refinement of a community like ours. We felt called to reach out to Decherd, even though… well… most people don’t venture out that way unless the Walmart line is too long.”
Faulkner went on to add, “Some of them might not even know what a charcuterie board is. Can you imagine?”
Preparing for the Journey
The missionaries are currently undergoing extensive cultural orientation training, including seminars on:
“Understanding Decherd Slang: A Survival Guide”
“How to Greet Locals From a Respectful Distance”
“What To Do If Approached by Someone From Estill Springs”
To ensure safety, the church is issuing security and ballistics vests, “just in case someone tries to give them directions using landmarks that no longer exist.”
“We’re not saying Decherd is dangerous,” said Associate Pastor Tim Weller. “We’re just saying—we’ve seen the police blotter. We’re being proactive.”
Planned Outreach Programs
During their two-day mission trip, the volunteers plan to offer helpful community services, including:
Teaching elderly residents to read, even though several of them are retired schoolteachers
Introducing local children to soap, a demonstration that will reportedly involve a puppet named “Scrubby”
Handing out medical supplies, including band-aids, vitamins, and—per one enthusiastic volunteer—“some much-needed birth control just to be safe”
One missionary, 19-year-old college freshman Hannah Grace Morton, said she feels “called to serve.”
“I’ve never been to Decherd before,” she said, “but I hear they only have, like, one sit-down restaurant. Maybe two. It’s heartbreaking. I just want to show the kids there’s more to life than fast food and railroad tracks.”
Local Reaction Mixed
A Decherd resident reached for comment replied, “We’re literally five minutes from Winchester. We have internet. Please stop acting like we’re an island nation.”
Church Optimistic About the Trip
The church plans to travel by caravan, which will stop halfway through the journey at the BP station so participants can “stretch their legs and mentally prepare for the spiritual challenges ahead.”
“We’re ready to do the Lord’s work,” said Pastor Weller. “If we can make even one Decherd resident feel blessed, uplifted, and maybe a tiny bit embarrassed, then our mission is complete.”
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