By Staff Writer – Herald Comical
WINCHESTER, TN — What once looked like a friendly business rivalry has now escalated into a full-scale pharmaceutical conflict, as Bennett’s Pharmacy and Blue Front Drug Store have both begun militarizing their storefronts in what authorities are calling “the most aggressive standoff since last year’s pickleball feud.”
Residents woke up Thursday to find sandbags stacked shoulder-high around both pharmacies, giving each store the appearance of a World War I bunker preparing for incoming artillery fire.
“I just came to pick up my cholesterol medicine,” said local woman Wanda Trent, “and suddenly I’m crawling under barbed wire just to reach the front door at Bennett’s.”
Blue Front Escalates: Buys Military Surplus M-RAP Vehicle
In a move that stunned the entire city, Blue Front Drug Store reportedly acquired a decommissioned M-RAP armored troop carrier, which they now use as a “mobile prescription delivery unit.”
Witnesses say the 13-ton vehicle rumbled down Dinah Shore—sorry, Dinosaur—Boulevard blasting Kenny Chesney while a pharmacy tech shouted through a megaphone:
> “FREE BLOOD PRESSURE CHECKS! NO INSURANCE? NO PROBLEM!”
The M-RAP is painted bright blue with a decal reading “BLUE FRONT: WE ROLL DEEP.”
Bennett’s Responds With Tactical Upgrades
Not to be outdone, Bennett’s has fortified its exterior with:
Riot shields repurposed into curbside pickup windows
A watchtower manned by a retired scoutmaster
Motion-activated peppermint dispensers
A drone reportedly modified to drop coupons from the sky
A Bennett’s spokesperson claimed the measures were “strictly defensive,” insisting,
> “We don’t want trouble—but we can escalate responsibly.”
Local Authorities Admit They Can’t Stop It
Police Chief Randy Smoot spoke at a brief press conference Tuesday, delivering a statement that contained equal parts resignation and fear.
“Look,” he said, rubbing his temples, “we are trained for traffic accidents, shoplifting, maybe a cow in the road—not pharmaceutical warfare. These folks are armed with label printers that can fire 60 RPM and pill counters modified into projectile launchers. We’re just going to… let them work it out.”
He added that the department’s only tactical vehicle is “a Tahoe with a bad alternator.”
Tensions Rise Between Customer Bases
Customers have begun taking sides, creating what many are calling “the most polarizing issue in town since Bojangles closed.”
A Blue Front loyalist claimed:
> “Bennett's started it. Everybody knows that. They think just because they’ve got milkshakes, they're better than everyone else. ”
A Bennett's supporter, sipping a Bloody Marty in the parking lot, countered:
> “Blue Front is out here acting like they’re Walgreens Special Forces. I’ll take my prescriptions with a milkshake and a side of intimidation, thank you.”
Rumors of Secret Weapons
Unverified reports suggest both pharmacies are preparing “classified” capabilities:
Blue Front supposedly has a nurse practitioner trained in psychological warfare
Bennett’s is rumored to have acquired a flamethrower disguised as a flu-shot gun
Somebody (nobody knows who) released three goats wearing tactical harnesses
City Leaders Hope for Peace but Expect Chaos
Mayor Linda Tate said she hopes the businesses will negotiate a ceasefire.
“We tried inviting them to a mediation meeting,” she said. “Blue Front sent a pharmacist wearing night-vision goggles. Bennett’s deployed a smoke machine. I don’t think they’re ready.”
For now, residents are encouraged to “choose their pharmacy wisely” and “avoid the no-man’s-land between the properties unless absolutely necessary.”
One elderly customer summe
d up the situation best:
> “I don’t care who wins. I just need my arthritis cream.”
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