By Staff Writer – Herald Comical
SEWANEE, TN — After months of what residents describe as “uncontrolled foot traffic from the lowlands,” the University Domain has taken firm action, unveiling mandatory entry checkpoints on both sides of 41A, where visitors must now show government ID, proof of income, and a credit score above 640 to enter Sewanee city limits.
Officials claim the new measures are necessary to “preserve the cultural integrity of the Mountain” and prevent what one resident called “an influx of people who shop at Walmart without bringing reusable bags.”
The checkpoints, staffed by University police and at least two bored English majors, resemble something “between a toll booth and a 1983 East German border crossing,” according to witnesses. Guards have been instructed to deny entry to anyone showing signs of being “a lowlander,” defined as:
Wearing camouflage outside of hunting season
Asking where the nearest Dollar General is
Driving a car worth less than the cost of one semester at the University
Using the phrase “I ain’t never been up here before”
Concerns Over ‘Mountain Purity’ Prompted Action
A Sewanee spokesperson explained the decision:
> “We deeply cherish our unique environment. Our trails, our views, our artisanal coffee shops — these things are fragile. We simply cannot have just anyone from Alto, Cowan, or—God forbid—Decherd wandering in and breathing the mountain air without being vetted.”
Residents claim that, without these safeguards, “the Mountain lifestyle” could be diluted by people who “think brunch is optional.”
Alto Responds By Launching Underground Smuggling Ring
In a development described by authorities as “highly resourceful and extremely predictable,” residents of Alto have formed a growing underground network dedicated to smuggling credit-score-challenged outsiders into Sewanee through unmonitored mountain trails.
These informal guides, calling themselves The Ridge Runners, offer tiered packages:
Basic Package ($20): Sneak you past the checkpoint through a creek bed.
Premium Package ($40): Includes camouflage face paint and a fake Enneagram workshop receipt.
VIP Package ($75): A handwritten letter of recommendation from “Professor Emeritus Doodles MacFarlane,” who does not exist.
One smuggler, who requested anonymity, gave this statement:
> “Look, some folks just want to see where the fancy people live. Maybe take a picture with a stone gate or eat a sandwich that costs $15. We’re doing the Lord’s work getting them in.”
Checkpoint Personnel Report Strange Tactics by Outsiders
Security officers claim people are attempting increasingly creative methods to bypass the system.
Recent incidents include:
A man presenting a laminated Food City loyalty card as proof of income
A couple in a 1998 Dodge Caravan claiming they were “on the faculty”
Someone Photoshopping a 780 credit score over what was clearly a payday loan receipt
A woman saying, “You don’t understand, my niece goes here,” repeatedly
All were denied entry.
Local Businesses Are Split
High-end Sewanee establishments say they support the measure, noting that some visitors “don’t understand how tipping works when the bill is $64 for lunch.”
However, a few businesses are concerned the checkpoints will reduce tourism.
One shop owner said:
> “I mean, sure, we don’t want the Mountain to become overrun. But also, who’s gonna buy our $38 scented candles made from reclaimed chapel air?”
Officials Confident the System Will Hold
Despite criticism, Sewanee leadership insists the checkpoints are necessary.
> “We love our neighbors,” a representative said. “But Sewanee is built on traditions — quiet reflection, academic rigor, and ensuring lowlanders stay where they belong unless they can prove financial legitimacy.”
Checkpoint upgrades are already planned, including:
Facial recognition that scans for un-ironic camo hats
A “Sewanee Values Quiz” asking visitors to rank their favorite brunch spots
A sniff test to detect the presence of Mountain Dew
For now, citizens are advised to expect delays entering the city and to avoid traveling through Alto at night, as smugglers have become “increasingly entrepreneurial.”
One Alto guide summed up the situation best:
> “I
f Sewanee wants to build a wall, fine. We’ll just build a trail around it. And we accept Venmo.”
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