Nissan Opens “Little Gears Learning Center” in Decherd, Aiming to Inspire the Next Generation of Factory Talent

DECHERD, TN — In an ambitious effort to “cultivate tomorrow’s workforce today,” Nissan North America has unveiled Little Gears Learning Center, a first-of-its-kind childcare facility located adjacent to the Decherd engine plant.

According to company representatives, the center is designed to introduce local toddlers to “the joy of early mechanical literacy” by allowing children as young as 18 months to interact with scaled-down, safety-modified versions of factory equipment.

A Toddler-Friendly Assembly Line

Inside the facility, children can rotate through stations modeled on real plant operations, including:

Miniature torque wrenches with lights and sound

Toddler-safe conveyor belts that move brightly colored plastic engine blocks

“Build-a-Bolt” stations where kids practice threading oversized foam bolts into corresponding cutouts

The Quiet Time Calibration Bench™, encouraging children to “rest, recharge, and consider workplace precision”

A Nissan spokesperson emphasized that all equipment is “fully compliant with federal safety standards and partially compliant with common sense.”

Educational Programming, Nissan Style

Televisions throughout the facility play continuous loops of Nissan-produced educational cartoons, including:

Rogi the Reliable Rogue

Tina Titan Saves the Day

CVT & Me: The Belt That Never Stops

Sparky the Engine Block Learns About Tolerances

Teachers report that several toddlers have already begun saying “zero defects” before naptime.

Discounts for Long-Term Commitment

Perhaps the most talked-about feature of the new center is its optional tuition program. Parents who sign the Early Employment Interest Pledge—a non-binding document expressing their child’s “future intent” to apply for Nissan employment upon turning 18—receive a 12% tuition reduction.

The pledge includes a polite request that families “encourage an affinity for mechanical tasks” and “speak positively about Japanese automotive engineering in the home.”

One parent described the offer as “not unreasonable,” noting:

> “Daycare is expensive. If my kid has to learn how to assemble a tiny crankshaft to save a couple hundred bucks a month, so be it.”

Local Reactions Mixed but Curious

While some residents have raised concerns about the program’s long-term implications, others say it reflects the region’s deep ties to the plant.

Decherd resident and mother of twins, Lauren Bridges, said:

> “I grew up with the plant. My parents worked there. Half my uncles worked there. If my toddlers want to play with foam pistons, who am I to stop them?”

Another parent, who asked to remain anonymous, admitted:

> “Honestly, I just want them tired by the time they get home. If that means practicing synchronized assembly, fine.”

Corporate Goals Moving Forward

Nissan officials say Little Gears could become a model for similar centers nationwide, especially in cities where the company hopes to “strengthen community relationships and begin gentle workforce pre-awareness in early childhood.”

Plans for future add-ons include:

A Toddler Paint Booth Experience (no real paint—just lights and fans)

A “Slow, Steady, Safety” Parade featuring children in tiny reflective vests

A Quiet Room displaying soothing footage of well-executed shift changes

A Preschool Robotics Lab for ages 4–5, rolling out in late 2026

The facility reached maximum enrollment within hours of opening registration, with a waitlist already exceeding 140 families.

A New Tradition in Decherd

As one Nissan representative put it:

> “Cars begin with people. Engines begin with community. And our future begins with toddlers who can differentiate a Phillips from a flathead.”

For many Decherd families, Little Gears represents a natural extension of local culture — a place where childhood discovery meets the subtle hum of industrial destiny.

Slipknot Performs Intimate Acoustic Set at Walnut Hill Coffee Company

Full House Gathers for Unprecedented December 4 Performance

WINCHESTER — In what staff described as “an unusually busy Wednesday,” Walnut Hill Coffee Company hosted a completely unexpected acoustic performance by the heavy metal band Slipknot on December 4, drawing one of the largest crowds the café has ever seen.

The band, known internationally for its intense stage presence, industrial instrumentation, and elaborate masks, opted for a softer approach on the Walnut Hill stage — performing seated, holding acoustic guitars, and drinking seasonal lattes between songs.

Despite the mellow setting, patrons reported that the emotional impact of the music remained unchanged.

> “They were sitting under the pendant lights, just strumming and harmonizing,” said local resident Tyler McKinney, “and then suddenly Corey Taylor leans into the mic and sings, ‘I push my fingers into my eyes / It’s the only thing that stops the ache.’

A woman at the corner table started crying into her cinnamon mocha.”

Walnut Hill staff said the band arrived unannounced, asking only if there was available table space and an outlet. Once recognized, the shop quickly rearranged seating, adding stools and pushing aside the chess table to create a makeshift stage.

According to one barista, the band members expressed gratitude for the “warm environment” and praised the shop’s acoustics.

> “They kept saying the brick wall gave them the exact reverb they wanted,” said barista Anna Greene. “Corey also bought a bag of beans to take home. He said our medium roast reminded him of ‘the fragility of the human condition.’”

The coffee shop maintained its full menu during the performance, resulting in the unusual sight of Slipknot gently strumming guitars while customers ordered caramel macchiatos, muffins, and quiche.

One eyewitness noted:

> “It was surreal. They’d finish a haunting acoustic version of ‘Duality,’ and then someone would yell, ‘Who had the turkey pesto on sourdough?’”

Following their set, the band thanked Winchester for its hospitality and hinted that they might “return to the Mountain for future quiet shows,” though no official tour announcement has been made.

Walnut Hill Coffee Company confirmed that sales spiked significantly during the event.

> “This is our busiest night since the snowstorm of 2022,” said the shop’s owner, adding that the band left a generous tip and signed a to-go cup now displayed behind the counter.

Patrons described the evening as “unexpected,” “surprisingly peaceful,” and “something Winchester will be absolutely confused about for years.”

Religious Happenings - Dec 2025

 🎄 Upcoming Community Christmas Events

Compiled for The Herald Comical Seasonal Bulletin

---

First Baptist Church — Annual Dawn Nativity Procession

December 9, 6 a.m.

Members will guide the church’s three rescue camels on a candlelit walk around the square.

Participants are reminded not to approach the camels from the rear, per last year’s incident.

For peace of mind, the committee notes that Edna WILL NOT be allowed to participate this year.

---

Winchester Church of Christ — Sacred Tree-Lighting Observance

December 10, 5:30 p.m.

The 32-foot pallet-wood tree will be illuminated following a short devotional.

Attendees should expect a moment of silence when the topmost bulb is switched on, as tradition requires.

Edna has been informed she may attend, but she is not permitted on the ladder.

---

Trinity Episcopal — Service of Reflection & Winter-Wind Blessing

December 12, 7 p.m.

A quiet liturgy intended to reduce valley frost formation through prayer.

This year’s Blessing of the Four Winds will include the optional carrying of small weather stones.

To avoid disruptions, Edna will not be handling any of the stones or related instruments.

---

Decherd Methodist — Community Candle Walk

December 14, 6 p.m.

Congregants will walk to the Dollar General parking lot while forming a living nativity tableau.

Participants are encouraged to dress warmly and avoid open flames near the utility trailer.

Per the board’s unanimous vote, Edna will observe from the sidewalk only.

---

Faith Temple — Christmas Choir Exhibition

December 15, 7 p.m.

Featuring the debut of “The Shepherd’s Reveille,” performed with soprano, baritone, and ram’s horn.

A brief intermission will allow the ram to be re-secured.

The choir respectfully notes that Edna will not be permitted backstage after last year’s horn-related confusion.

---

Pleasant Ridge Community Church — Holiday Outreach Meal

December 16, 1–4 p.m.

Volunteers will prepare the traditional Christmas stew using the heritage winter gourd grown behind the hall.

Those assisting with gourd splitting must complete the safety briefing at 12:15 sharp.

Edna is welcome at the meal but may NOT, under any circumstances, approach the gourds.

---

Tims Ford Lake Community Church — Floating Advent Gathering

December 17, 4 p.m.

Members will anchor their boats offshore for scripture readings and hymn singing.

All participants must remain stationary during the lighting of the Advent lantern buoy.

Edna may participate from shore only due to maritime concerns raised by several families.

---

St. Andrew’s Chapel (Sewanee) — Mountain Advent Vigil

December 18, 8 p.m.

A solemn candlelit vigil held in the chapel crypt.

The ceremonial reading of the List of Winter Travelers will take place at dusk.

Edna’s name has been removed from the reader’s roster following last year’s mispronunciations.

---

Cowan First Baptist — Children’s Nativity Display

December 19, 6:30 p.m.

The children will perform amidst the reconstructed cedar Bethlehem market stalls.

Volunteers will stand by to monitor the livestock.

Edna is kindly asked not to direct the children from the aisles, as per previous requests.

---

Sewanee Wesley Fellowship — Community Christmas Lecture

December 20, 7 p.m.

A scholarly discussion on atmospheric conditions that make the Nativity star visible above the water tower.

Attendees may submit written questions.

Edna’s questions must be submitted in advance and will be reviewed for relevance.

---

Winchester Pentecostal Tabernacle — Evening of Carols

December 21, 6 p.m.

Featuring the Extended Praise Ensemble and the Circle of Light lantern tradition.

Participants forming the lantern ring are asked to follow spacing guidelines.

Edna will not be part of the lantern circle this year. The pastor has confirmed this twice.

Sewanee Establishes Entry Checkpoints to Verify Credit Scores, Income Before Allowing Visitors Into Town

By Staff Writer – Herald Comical

SEWANEE, TN — After months of what residents describe as “uncontrolled foot traffic from the lowlands,” the University Domain has taken firm action, unveiling mandatory entry checkpoints on both sides of 41A, where visitors must now show government ID, proof of income, and a credit score above 640 to enter Sewanee city limits.

Officials claim the new measures are necessary to “preserve the cultural integrity of the Mountain” and prevent what one resident called “an influx of people who shop at Walmart without bringing reusable bags.”

The checkpoints, staffed by University police and at least two bored English majors, resemble something “between a toll booth and a 1983 East German border crossing,” according to witnesses. Guards have been instructed to deny entry to anyone showing signs of being “a lowlander,” defined as:

Wearing camouflage outside of hunting season

Asking where the nearest Dollar General is

Driving a car worth less than the cost of one semester at the University

Using the phrase “I ain’t never been up here before”

Concerns Over ‘Mountain Purity’ Prompted Action

A Sewanee spokesperson explained the decision:

> “We deeply cherish our unique environment. Our trails, our views, our artisanal coffee shops — these things are fragile. We simply cannot have just anyone from Alto, Cowan, or—God forbid—Decherd wandering in and breathing the mountain air without being vetted.”

Residents claim that, without these safeguards, “the Mountain lifestyle” could be diluted by people who “think brunch is optional.”

Alto Responds By Launching Underground Smuggling Ring

In a development described by authorities as “highly resourceful and extremely predictable,” residents of Alto have formed a growing underground network dedicated to smuggling credit-score-challenged outsiders into Sewanee through unmonitored mountain trails.

These informal guides, calling themselves The Ridge Runners, offer tiered packages:

Basic Package ($20): Sneak you past the checkpoint through a creek bed.

Premium Package ($40): Includes camouflage face paint and a fake Enneagram workshop receipt.

VIP Package ($75): A handwritten letter of recommendation from “Professor Emeritus Doodles MacFarlane,” who does not exist.

One smuggler, who requested anonymity, gave this statement:

> “Look, some folks just want to see where the fancy people live. Maybe take a picture with a stone gate or eat a sandwich that costs $15. We’re doing the Lord’s work getting them in.”

Checkpoint Personnel Report Strange Tactics by Outsiders

Security officers claim people are attempting increasingly creative methods to bypass the system.

Recent incidents include:

A man presenting a laminated Food City loyalty card as proof of income

A couple in a 1998 Dodge Caravan claiming they were “on the faculty”

Someone Photoshopping a 780 credit score over what was clearly a payday loan receipt

A woman saying, “You don’t understand, my niece goes here,” repeatedly

All were denied entry.

Local Businesses Are Split

High-end Sewanee establishments say they support the measure, noting that some visitors “don’t understand how tipping works when the bill is $64 for lunch.”

However, a few businesses are concerned the checkpoints will reduce tourism.

One shop owner said:

> “I mean, sure, we don’t want the Mountain to become overrun. But also, who’s gonna buy our $38 scented candles made from reclaimed chapel air?”

Officials Confident the System Will Hold

Despite criticism, Sewanee leadership insists the checkpoints are necessary.

> “We love our neighbors,” a representative said. “But Sewanee is built on traditions — quiet reflection, academic rigor, and ensuring lowlanders stay where they belong unless they can prove financial legitimacy.”

Checkpoint upgrades are already planned, including:

Facial recognition that scans for un-ironic camo hats

A “Sewanee Values Quiz” asking visitors to rank their favorite brunch spots

A sniff test to detect the presence of Mountain Dew

For now, citizens are advised to expect delays entering the city and to avoid traveling through Alto at night, as smugglers have become “increasingly entrepreneurial.”

One Alto guide summed up the situation best:

> “I

f Sewanee wants to build a wall, fine. We’ll just build a trail around it. And we accept Venmo.”

Drug Store Turf War Explodes as Bennett’s and Blue Front Fortify Storefronts; Authorities Say They Are “Outmatched”

By Staff Writer – Herald Comical

WINCHESTER, TN — What once looked like a friendly business rivalry has now escalated into a full-scale pharmaceutical conflict, as Bennett’s Pharmacy and Blue Front Drug Store have both begun militarizing their storefronts in what authorities are calling “the most aggressive standoff since last year’s pickleball feud.”

Residents woke up Thursday to find sandbags stacked shoulder-high around both pharmacies, giving each store the appearance of a World War I bunker preparing for incoming artillery fire.

“I just came to pick up my cholesterol medicine,” said local woman Wanda Trent, “and suddenly I’m crawling under barbed wire just to reach the front door at Bennett’s.”

Blue Front Escalates: Buys Military Surplus M-RAP Vehicle

In a move that stunned the entire city, Blue Front Drug Store reportedly acquired a decommissioned M-RAP armored troop carrier, which they now use as a “mobile prescription delivery unit.”

Witnesses say the 13-ton vehicle rumbled down Dinah Shore—sorry, Dinosaur—Boulevard blasting Kenny Chesney while a pharmacy tech shouted through a megaphone:

> “FREE BLOOD PRESSURE CHECKS! NO INSURANCE? NO PROBLEM!”

The M-RAP is painted bright blue with a decal reading “BLUE FRONT: WE ROLL DEEP.”

Bennett’s Responds With Tactical Upgrades

Not to be outdone, Bennett’s has fortified its exterior with:

Riot shields repurposed into curbside pickup windows

A watchtower manned by a retired scoutmaster

Motion-activated peppermint dispensers

A drone reportedly modified to drop coupons from the sky

A Bennett’s spokesperson claimed the measures were “strictly defensive,” insisting,

> “We don’t want trouble—but we can escalate responsibly.”

Local Authorities Admit They Can’t Stop It

Police Chief Randy Smoot spoke at a brief press conference Tuesday, delivering a statement that contained equal parts resignation and fear.

“Look,” he said, rubbing his temples, “we are trained for traffic accidents, shoplifting, maybe a cow in the road—not pharmaceutical warfare. These folks are armed with label printers that can fire 60 RPM and pill counters modified into projectile launchers. We’re just going to… let them work it out.”

He added that the department’s only tactical vehicle is “a Tahoe with a bad alternator.”

Tensions Rise Between Customer Bases

Customers have begun taking sides, creating what many are calling “the most polarizing issue in town since Bojangles closed.”

A Blue Front loyalist claimed:

> “Bennett's started it. Everybody knows that. They think just because they’ve got milkshakes, they're better than everyone else. ”

A Bennett's supporter, sipping a Bloody Marty in the parking lot, countered:

> “Blue Front is out here acting like they’re Walgreens Special Forces. I’ll take my prescriptions with a milkshake and a side of intimidation, thank you.”

Rumors of Secret Weapons

Unverified reports suggest both pharmacies are preparing “classified” capabilities:

Blue Front supposedly has a nurse practitioner trained in psychological warfare

Bennett’s is rumored to have acquired a flamethrower disguised as a flu-shot gun

Somebody (nobody knows who) released three goats wearing tactical harnesses

City Leaders Hope for Peace but Expect Chaos

Mayor Linda Tate said she hopes the businesses will negotiate a ceasefire.

“We tried inviting them to a mediation meeting,” she said. “Blue Front sent a pharmacist wearing night-vision goggles. Bennett’s deployed a smoke machine. I don’t think they’re ready.”

For now, residents are encouraged to “choose their pharmacy wisely” and “avoid the no-man’s-land between the properties unless absolutely necessary.”

One elderly customer summe

d up the situation best:

> “I don’t care who wins. I just need my arthritis cream.”

Skip’s Grill Unveils “Exotic” New Menu to Attract Out-of-State Residents, Promises to Satisfy “Refined Palettes”

By Staff Writer – Herald Comical

WINCHESTER, TN — In a bold move to appeal to the growing number of new residents arriving from “mysterious foreign lands like California, Ohio, and Maryland,” Skip’s Grill has announced the launch of its new “Exotic Upscale Menu,” aimed at diners with what management calls “more refined palettes and fragile expectations.”

Owner Skip Henderson told the Herald Comical that his restaurant must “adapt to the changing demographics” if it hopes to keep up.

“These new folks don’t just want a fried bologna sandwich,” Skip explained. “They want flavors. They want culture. They want to feel like they’re eating something you can’t get at a gas station. So we’ve met them halfway.”

The New “Exotic” Items Include:

Fried Chicken Charcuterie Board

Featuring sliced tenders, generic cheese cubes, and Ritz crackers arranged “in a circle for classy effect.”

Fried Chicken Sushi Rolls

Skip assures customers these rolls contain “absolutely no raw fish,” just “fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and a dab of gravy rolled up in rice like God intended.”

International Nachos

A fusion masterpiece consisting of tortilla chips topped with pulled pork, queso, sour cream, and one single kale leaf “to impress the Californians.”

Deconstructed Hot Dog

Which is simply a regular hot dog served in three separate bowls for $11 more.

Artisanal Cornbread Flight

Includes Plain, Jalapeño, Overcooked, and “Whatever That One Burnt Corner Was.”

Skip says the menu was designed after “months of cultural research,” which consisted of watching two episodes of Top Chef and briefly scrolling through TikTok before getting frustrated.

Locals React With Skepticism

Longtime customer Wayne “Buckshot” Davis is uneasy.

“I ordered the sushi and I swear it winked at me,” Davis said. “Food shouldn’t wink.”

Others were more supportive.

“I think it’s great Skip is branching out,” said local woman Martha Ann Dugan. “But I do hope they keep the fried catfish. If they ever get rid of that, this town will riot.”

New Residents Offer Confusing Praise

Transplant and self-proclaimed “foodie advocate” Melissa McKenna shared her excitement.

“In Winchester, things are… simple,” she said. “I’m thrilled to see a restaurant leaning toward elevated cuisine. Last week, I ordered the fried chicken charcuterie board, and honestly? It wasn’t terrible. I mean, it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t terrible. Which is progress.”

She paused before adding, “I do think the sushi needs less… biscuit.”

Skip Remains Optimistic

Despite mixed reactions, Skip insists his new menu will help “bridge the cultural divide.”

“We’re blending the old and the new,” he said proudly. “We’re honoring our roots while still providing something that looks good on Instagram. The only real challenge has been explaining what ‘charcuterie’ means to our employees.”

When asked what the future holds, Skip confirmed he is already experimenting with a new dish.

“It’s called ‘Pho,’” he said. “Spelled F-O. But it’s really just chicken noodle soup with cilantro. Don’t tell anybody.”

Grand Opening This Saturday

The restaurant will host a tasting event this weekend, featuring samples of the new menu, live music, and a seminar titled “How to Pronounce Bruschetta Without Starting a Fight.”

Skip hopes the community will embrace his culinary innovations.

“At the end of the day,” he said, “all I want is for people to say, ‘Skip’s is fancy now.’ I don’t care if it’s a lie.”

Local Church Organizes Mission Trip to Decherd, Says It’s Important to Help “The Less Fortunate” in Dechard

By Staff Writer – Herald Comical

WINCHESTER, TN — In a bold demonstration of charity, compassion, and complete geographical confusion, New Vision Baptist Church has announced its first-ever mission trip to Decherd, located roughly three minutes from the church parking lot.

Church leaders say the outreach effort is designed to “bring hope, healing, and basic Winchester values” to their neighbors to the east, who many congregation members believe are “living in conditions we can’t even imagine.”

Mission Trip Inspired by Deep Concern

“We just feel so blessed here in Winchester,” said Missions Director Cheryl Ann Faulkner. “Not everyone gets to grow up with the stability, prosperity, and spiritual refinement of a community like ours. We felt called to reach out to Decherd, even though… well… most people don’t venture out that way unless the Walmart line is too long.”

Faulkner went on to add, “Some of them might not even know what a charcuterie board is. Can you imagine?”

Preparing for the Journey

The missionaries are currently undergoing extensive cultural orientation training, including seminars on:

“Understanding Decherd Slang: A Survival Guide”

“How to Greet Locals From a Respectful Distance”

“What To Do If Approached by Someone From Estill Springs”

To ensure safety, the church is issuing security and ballistics vests, “just in case someone tries to give them directions using landmarks that no longer exist.”

“We’re not saying Decherd is dangerous,” said Associate Pastor Tim Weller. “We’re just saying—we’ve seen the police blotter. We’re being proactive.”

Planned Outreach Programs

During their two-day mission trip, the volunteers plan to offer helpful community services, including:

Teaching elderly residents to read, even though several of them are retired schoolteachers

Introducing local children to soap, a demonstration that will reportedly involve a puppet named “Scrubby”

Handing out medical supplies, including band-aids, vitamins, and—per one enthusiastic volunteer—“some much-needed birth control just to be safe”

One missionary, 19-year-old college freshman Hannah Grace Morton, said she feels “called to serve.”

“I’ve never been to Decherd before,” she said, “but I hear they only have, like, one sit-down restaurant. Maybe two. It’s heartbreaking. I just want to show the kids there’s more to life than fast food and railroad tracks.”

Local Reaction Mixed

A Decherd resident reached for comment replied, “We’re literally five minutes from Winchester. We have internet. Please stop acting like we’re an island nation.”

Church Optimistic About the Trip

The church plans to travel by caravan, which will stop halfway through the journey at the BP station so participants can “stretch their legs and mentally prepare for the spiritual challenges ahead.”

“We’re ready to do the Lord’s work,” said Pastor Weller. “If we can make even one Decherd resident feel blessed, uplifted, and maybe a tiny bit embarrassed, then our mission is complete.”

City Council Moves Forward With Rezoning to Accommodate 52 Additional Mexican Restaurants

 

By Staff Writer – Herald Comical

WINCHESTER, TN — Despite vocal concerns from nearby residents, the Winchester City Council voted Monday night to begin rezoning 27.98 acres adjacent to the Food City in order to make room for what officials describe as “a modest expansion” of the city’s Mexican restaurant landscape—approximately 52 new establishments, according to preliminary plans.

If approved, the new development would bring Winchester’s total number of Mexican restaurants to “somewhere north of one per household,” according to City Planning Director Debbie Caldwell.

“We hear the public loud and clear,” Caldwell said. “Citizens keep saying Winchester needs more ‘variety.’ And so we took that seriously. Some will have green signs. Some will have red signs. One will have a donkey statue wearing sunglasses. That’s incredible diversity for a town our size.”

Residents living near the site expressed mixed opinions.

“I’m not against Mexican food,” said local homeowner Terry Jenkins. “But I’m pretty sure we already have, like… 17 of them? 22? I’ve lost count. My wife and I tried to go somewhere different for date night, and we still ended up at a Mexican place by accident.”

According to developers, the complex—tentatively named El Plaza de los 52—will include taquerias, Tex-Mex cafés, cantinas, and at least one restaurant that insists on serving only fajitas and nothing else. Early sketches also depict two bars named El Patron located directly next to each other, though one representative insisted that “they’re totally different places despite having the exact same logo.”

Asked if Winchester might benefit from alternative dining options such as Italian, Korean, or “literally anything else,” the council said they had conducted a yearlong study and determined that Mexican restaurants remain the city’s “primary growth industry.”

“We’re proud to support local business,” said Councilman Ronnie Wade. “Even if they’re technically not local and all owned by the same three cousins.”

Officials also reassured citizens that traffic concerns have been addressed.

“We anticipate only minimal congestion,” Caldwell said. “Yes, 52 Mexican restaurants equals 52 lunch rushes, 52 dinner rushes, and roughly 52 sizzling fajita plate steam clouds hovering over Dinah—excuse me, Dinosaur—Boulevard. But we believe the infrastructure can handle it.”

Construction is expected to begin this fall, immediately following the grand opening of the city’s newest business: another Mexican restaurant, located inside the lobby of the existing Mexican restaurant across from the old highschool. 

Recently Discovered Documents Confirm Dinah Shore Blvd Was Actually Supposed to Be “Dinosaur Blvd”

By Staff Writer – Herald Comical

WINCHESTER, TN — A set of “newly uncovered historical documents” — found inside a filing cabinet that has not been opened since the Carter administration — suggests that Dinah Shore Blvd was never meant to honor the famous singer and actress at all. Instead, the road was originally intended to bear the name “Dinosaur Boulevard.”

The documents, discovered last week by a city employee looking for a missing stapler, include fading memos, hand-drawn sketches of cartoon stegosauruses, and an official—but deeply coffee-stained—resolution from the 1950s labeled “Proposed Road: DINOSAUR BLVD (final??).”

According to the papers, Winchester city planners in 1954 intended the major east-west corridor to be themed after “prehistoric traffic excellence.” The plan included dinosaur-shaped streetlights, Velociraptor Crossing signs, and something described only as “the Triceratops Roundabout,” which appears to have been a traffic circle shaped like a dinosaur head. Funding for this roundabout remains unclear, though one marginal note reads, “Ask the Kiwanis?”

Why the name changed has become a matter of debate.

One memo suggests that the original sign-painter misread the handwritten word “Dinosaur,” interpreting it as “Dinah S.” Another document argues that a city commissioner in 1955 insisted on changing the name after hearing Dinah Shore sing on the radio, writing in the margin: “This lady sings nice. Let’s do that instead.”

Local historian Marvin Keel, who claims he has been “studying Winchester lore since before the Walmart remodel,” called the discovery “a groundbreaking revelation.”

“This changes everything we thought we knew about Winchester infrastructure,” Keel said. “The entire character of the town might have been different. Imagine telling someone, ‘Yeah, just take a left on Dinosaur and you’ll see the Exxon.’ That’s powerful.”

City residents have had strong reactions.

“I would absolutely live on Dinosaur Boulevard,” said area man Ricky Dale. “I want that on my mail. Don’t nobody want to tell people they live off a road named after some Hollywood lady. But dinosaurs? That’s American.”

Others are skeptical.

“What kind of dinosaur would it have been?” asked lifelong local Sondra Mae Johnson. “Because if it was one of them skinny fast ones, no. Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

In response to the discovery, the City Council will meet next Thursday to discuss whether renaming the road back to its “original intended form” is feasible. A preliminary cost estimate for changing all the signs, business addresses, and Google Maps listings is already being calculated, though one alderman admitted the real obstacle is convincing residents to stop calling it “Dinah Shore” out of habit.

Meanwhile, the original documents have been placed on display in the library’s “Unexpected Winchester History” case, next to the framed copy of the ordinance that once attempted to ban Jazzercise.

The city has not yet ruled out the possibility of installing at least one dinosaur-themed feature.

Unofficial reports indicate that if approved, the first addition will be a 15-foot inflatable T-Rex placed outside the Chambe

r of Commerce “to raise morale.”

New Resident From California Wonders If This Town Is “Thankful Enough”

 By Staff Writer – Herald Comical

WINCHESTER, TN — New Franklin Hills resident Carl Jacobs, who relocated from Palo Alto, California earlier this year, says he is still waiting for the people of Winchester to fully appreciate the “economic blessing” of his arrival.

Jacobs, 42, told the Herald Comical that he has “done everything in [his] power” to signal his value to the community, including buying a home “for full asking price,” purchasing “premium name-brand items” from Food City, and paying property taxes that he says are “worth at least three or four of the average locals.”

“I don’t think they realize how lucky they are that I chose Winchester,” Jacobs said while adjusting the California Republic flag he recently mounted outside his front porch. “I mean, I could’ve moved to Franklin. Or at least Thompson’s Station. But I decided to bless this town instead.”

Jacobs explained that he has not yet received a single “thank you,” “welcome, sir,” or “expression of awe” from any longtime residents, which he believes is due to a lack of awareness about his origins.

“Maybe they just don’t know I’m a transplant yet,” he said. “People around here seem friendly, but nobody has asked what my income level is. Nobody. That’s very unusual where I’m from.”

Neighbors report that Jacobs has mentioned his previous zip code “at least 14 times” during casual conversations about weather, recycling schedules, or the best place to buy mulch.

“He kept referring to himself as ‘West Coast money,’” said one Franklin Hills resident who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being added to Jacobs’ Nextdoor feed. “I’m not even sure what that means.”

Jacobs says his next step is to explore “higher-end” areas of Winchester, such as Twin Creeks, a place he believes may better “match his lifestyle and tax bracket.”

“If the people of this town want to show they appreciate me,” Jacobs said, “they can start by waving when they drive by. Or maybe asking how much my salary is. Just basic neighborly gestures.”

City officials have declined to comment, saying they “wish Mr. Jacobs all the best” and hope he enjoys his time in Winchester, regardless of "whether he receives ceremonial gratitude from the locals.”

Jacobs, meanwhile, remains optimistic.

“I’m sure eventually they’ll thank me,” he said. “It’s only a matter of time before they realize how much I’ve elevated this place.”